MotherHEARD: Miscarriage


My son Camden was born on September 9, 2017 and forever my life has been changed my life. He was my second child but first to enter this world on earth. 
My first pregnancy came and went. I found out I was pregnant with our first child and was ecstatic as any first timer would be. We had been trying for a few months and when I saw the word "pregnant" on the pregnancy test, I was so so happy. I decided a clever way of how I was going to tell my husband. I wanted it to be a surprise but also something that was right to the point. When I told him, he was elated and we were just so excited to be new parents. Then a few weeks later, all that changed.
At about 9 weeks, I took my dog for a walk and started feeling crampy but thought it was just part of pregnancy. Then I came home and saw what they tel you your not supposed to see when your pregnant: blood. I immediately googled it and saw it could happen but doesn't necessarily mean anything. The next day it was more so I called my OB and made an ultrasound appointment. I knew something was wrong. The second the ultrasound tech suggested we do the vaginal ultrasound I knew because she couldn't find a heartbeat. 
We were devastated and emotionally I was a wreck. Every pregnancy announcement I saw on social media as the month went on made my heart break a little more inside. It's something that is not only hard physically but just as hard to deal with emotionally as well. 
Once we waited the allotted time, we tried again and were lucky to get immediately pregnant. This time was not like the first time. I had a hard time being happy because I knew what could happen. As the weeks went on and it seemed more real, I would let myself get a little more happier while also still being weary of what could happen. Loosing a pregnancy really makes you realize how little control you have over what's going on inside your body. The whole pregnancy I was terrified and trying not to think of the worst case scenario and trying to be positive. Then on September 9th, my son was born and I can truly say I've never loved anything or anyone as much as I love him. He just turned 2 and we are so blessed to have him with us. He truly is my rainbow after the storm.
We recently learned that I was pregnant again but at 16 weeks lost that baby which would have been his little sister. There was no reason explaining why we lost that baby. Every appointment before they told me everything looked great so it was a complete shock. Now I'm going through similar feelings as to what I went through before my son but this time is more grief. I grieve because of the unknown and what could of have been. 
I envy others who are so happy to share the news the second they were pregnant and not have to think that it might not be. But I'm happy they can live in that happiness and not have to feel what I feel or go through what I'm going through. Now, we just hope we can get pregnant again so I can have another rainbow baby. Although having another baby never replaces the ones lost, it does bring so much joy into life and helps those that are lost live on.
I hope my story helps anyone who is going through the trenches of pregnancy loss like I am and I want to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I'm so happy a community like this has been built to hear from all the strong and empowering women out there going through and over coming situations. Please know that your rainbow will come one way or another.
we honor you @Stephaniegardner23