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MotherHEARD: Miscarriage


MotherHEARD: Miscarriage

"I have two rainbow babies. My first loss was my first baby after I was told I may not be able to conceive. There were some complications at the beginning but then we saw the heartbeat. That was supposed to mean we were, percentage wise, low risk for any miscarriage. A month after we saw that precious heartbeat, I went in for a normal appointment. My husband almost didn’t come. It was supposed to be a “normal” appointment but he came anyway and I’m so thankful. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. They sent me to another office where an actual ultrasound tech did an ultrasound instead of the doctor. On the ride there, I still had hope that maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe he missed something. But at the second office, we were told the exact same, heartbreaking news. Our baby was gone. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time. A lot of people dismissed my deep grief because it was “so early”. Others seemed to be aggravated I was still struggling with it all months afterwards…even telling me it was something I really needed to “get over”. These things were extremely hurtful and I promised myself I’d never repeat it to another mother. I went on to get pregnant about 4 months later. That rainbow baby girl just turned ten today! She has eased me into every new aspect of parenthood and is such a joy - a true rainbow after a storm.

In between my 2nd-3rd children, I lost another baby. I actually forgot or refused to accept this one because I had only gotten a very faint line (I mean the kind you really have to squint to see) before I ended up bleeding and assumed it was just my normal cycle. It wasn’t until years later, when I looked back on the picture of the test (including a video I took to see various angles), that I realized that pregnancy test was, indeed, positive. Maybe I subconsciously didn’t want to investigate any more at the time. I’m not sure. But I know now that was another baby I didn’t get to meet.

My third child, my second rainbow baby, continues to teach me so much. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and knows exactly what she wants. She’s my middle child but refuses to succumb to any middle child stereotypes. :)

Losing a baby can really strip you of some of the joy of being pregnant again. I was nervous at every appointment - and in between every appointment. I had to try to get to the place where I rested in the fact that I wasn’t ultimately in control, but it was always a struggle. With every subsequent pregnancy, there was always that thought in the back of my mind, “will it happen again?” I've now had the privilege to birth five babies. It’s not something I ever want to take for granted…the gift of bringing life into this world.

Whether you have one or ten angel babies, don’t let anybody, no matter your past experience or trials, tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. Our experiences are what mold us into who we are and who we become. And choosing to use our experiences to help those with similar ones is one of the greatest ways we can grow."

We honor you @Ssene